Saturday, February 06, 2021

In Her Words: ‘Mom! Mom! MOMMMMMM!’

Moms across America are teetering on the edge.
Dekeda Brown rises at 6:30 a.m. and takes a moment to reflect on the day ahead.Brenda Ann Kenneally for The New York Times

"I feel like a ticking time bomb that is constantly being pushed to the breaking point. Goodness, this is taxing."

— Dekeda Brown, 41, a married mother of two in Olney, Md. She works full time for a bank and is one course away from her associate's degree.

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Dekeda Brown was in her local grocery store thinking back to a year earlier, when she was onstage in New York accepting an award for Working Mother of the Year. Her husband had watched proudly from the crowd, texting photos to her daughters.

Now here she was in the wine aisle, cellphone and keys in hand, contemplating whether she should begin smashing bottles. "I was like, what's the worst thing that could happen if I just did this right now?" she said.

When the pandemic began, it didn't take long to realize that families — and mothers in particular — were being crushed by the dual burdens of work and home life. It was bad for everyone, but worse for moms who overnight found themselves bridging the gap on home-schooling, child care and, of course, holding down a job at the same time.

I began following Dekeda and two other mothers back in September.

The moms kept logs of their time — by text, email and audio — and sat for dozens of interviews. What emerged were stories of chaos and resilience, resentment and persistence, and of course, hope.

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Today's In Her Words takes you into Dekeda's story. You can read the other mothers' stories here as part of our special package, The Primal Scream.

Dekeda's work day really begins after Leilani's school day has finished and the dining room table has emptied.Brenda Ann Kenneally for The New York Times

Chaos

Dekeda was sitting at her dining room table — her "war room," as she calls it — with two laptops open, typing like a court stenographer. In her left ear, she was listening in on a conference call for work; in her right was the voice of her 15-year-old daughter's special education teacher, giving a math lesson. That daughter, Leilani, who has severe nonvocal autism and sensory processing disorder — meaning that she cannot speak words, needs help with most daily tasks and finds everyday stimuli excruciating — communicates with the teacher by touch screen.

It was late afternoon, and Dekeda's husband, Derrick, 46, had just walked in the door from work. He is a building engineer at a medical office. He waved hello, called up the stairs to their other daughter, London, 11, and made his usual beeline to the fridge.

Dekeda opened her mouth to remind him to wash his hands, but he began motioning toward the computer. "The teacher called on Leilani!" he said.

Quickly, Dekeda unmuted the computer and apologized, then helped her daughter type her answer into the screen. Moments later, she heard a pause in her other ear. It was from her boss. "What do you think, Dekeda?"

"This went on for an hour," Dekeda said of the toggling back and forth, trying not to mix up the mute buttons, apologizing to each party. "At the end, I retreated to my bedroom and cried."

Dekeda jokes that she doesn't know who she is these days, but that she used to be June Cleaver.

She worked out, got the girls off to two different schools each morning and managed to have dinner on the table by 7. On weekends, she was active in her church, coached a Special Olympics cheer squad and was an outspoken voice for the autism community; she runs a nonprofit group devoted to destigmatizing the lives of special-needs parents.

"Everything happened like clockwork," she said, "and I was so cheerful with it all."

These days, she is neither particularly cheerful nor on time. Church is now on Facebook; there is no more cheer practice, nor weekend date nights with her husband. She considers it a success if she makes it through the day without their puppy, Boomer — did she mention she got the girls a puppy in the pandemic? — peeing in the house.

"I'm an autism mom, and we always say, 'We can't get sick, we can't die and we can't have the breakdowns that we need,'" she said. "I have to keep it together for everyone else."

She is overdue for a mammogram and a follow-up with her gynecologist. She has been trying to find time to make an appointment with a therapist for almost a year. And she worries, she worries so much. About her husband's safety (he's had two Covid scares at work), about her kids' development, about all of their mental health.

Lately, London has been getting up early to make her mother tea and put the eggs on for breakfast. She offers to help her big sister with school when Dekeda has a work call. Which would be a huge help, if Dekeda didn't feel so guilty about it.

"In a nutshell, we are holding together with the same tape that we have been using since March," she said. "The tape is barely working, but we are still here."

Dekeda helps Leilani wake up and get ready for her school day.Brenda Ann Kenneally for The New York Times

Perseverance

On some days, Dekeda feels like she is killing the distance learning game.

"London will be upstairs at her laptop, fully engaged in class, while I multitask between helping Leilani and a video call for work," she said.

On other days, no matter how hard she tries to stay organized, how many lists she makes or how efficient she is, she just can't.

A few weeks before Christmas, the girls were excited because it was supposed to snow.

They had taken out their ski clothes and were waiting for Dekeda to finish work so she could take them (and the puppy — it was his first snow) out to play.

Dekeda was finishing up at her computer when the emails began to arrive, one after the next. There were six in total, from teachers at London's school, informing Dekeda: Her 11-year-old was failing. All but one class.

Dekeda and London have a pact: London can tell her mother anything and she will not get in trouble, as long as she is honest. But lately, Dekeda had worried about her normally spunky, opinionated daughter. "We'll have these chats where I think everything is OK, and then she bursts into tears."

Dekeda knew that London had been struggling with her assignments. She'd been working with her nightly to help her get organized. But she didn't know things had gotten this bad.

Dekeda handed her phone to her daughter, and asked her to read the emails. "I never baby talk to London," Dekeda said.

She read the messages, and her eyes welled with tears. "But Mommy, we've been working so hard," London said, gazing out the window at the snow.

"No, I understand. We've been working on getting these things submitted," Dekeda told her daughter. "You can still go out. Don't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" London asked her.

"Yes, you deserve it. Go ahead," Dekeda told her. "We'll look at the work when you get back in."

Derrick had emerged in the living room by then, long enough to overhear what was going on. "I'll take them," he told his wife, grabbing the puppy's leash.

London, Leilani, Derrick and Boomer went outside to play, while Dekeda sat in silence with a cup of tea.

"Sometimes I have to tell myself I cannot do it all," she said. "That I cannot juggle all of these balls at once and not expect to drop one or two from time to time."

"And that is OK."

Dinner with Leilani and London.Brenda Ann Kenneally for The New York Times

Hope

There are times when Dekeda looks at her daughters and appreciates the little things she might have missed were she not at home this year: daily games of tug of war with their puppy; roller skating together in parking lots, which is therapeutic for Leilani and fun for London and Dekeda, too.

Hope for the vaccine, which Dekeda's husband will soon get. Hope for help, in the form of an autism aide for Leilani (she comes for two hours a day now, to give Dekeda a break).

The busyness will not subside in these scenarios, of course, but life may become more manageable. Anything has got to be easier than this.

The Primal Scream

The pandemic exposed "balance" for the lie that it is. Now, a generation is teetering on the edge. The Times explored the issues in special package, The Primal Scream.

Csilla Klenyánszki
  • "I just want to say, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" We set up a Primal Scream phone line for working mothers. Hundreds called in. [Listen to their stories.]
  • "Covid took a crowbar into gender gaps and pried them open." This isn't just a school crisis, a work crisis or an economic crisis. It's a mental health crisis, too. [Read the story]
  • "Burnout" vs. "Betrayal" A psychiatrist suggests ways that moms can fight back when the system is stacked against them. [Read the story]
  • "Instead of a structural solution and policies, we've relied on the unpaid labor of women." Working moms are struggling. Here's what would help. [Read the story]
  • "You have to do this and this and this." How President Biden's proposed stimulus package might help women and families. [Read the story]
  • "It's hard enough even for lawyers to understand all of these laws, and they're changing every day." Know your workplace rights: We asked experts how to cut through the red tape and understand the legal jargon. [Read the story]

In Her Words is edited by Francesca Donner. Our art director is Catherine Gilmore-Barnes, and our photo editor is Sandra Stevenson.

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On Politics: Progressives Made a Splash. Can They Pass Bills, Too?

The Sunrise Movement, a group of young climate activists who has roiled Democratic politics, is best
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By Lisa Lerer

Politics Newsletter Writer

Hi. Welcome to On Politics, your wrap-up of the week in national politics. I'm Lisa Lerer, your host.

The Sunrise Movement, a group of young climate activists who has roiled Democratic politics, is best known for policies that had little chance of becoming, well, national policy.

The Green New Deal, an expansive suite of climate and economic policies championed by the group, was crafted during the Trump administration — a kind of climate change platform for a political world that did not exist.

With Democrats now controlling government, the group finally has a chance to turn that alternative reality into an actual one. But the window of time may be brief: Historically, the president's party loses power after the midterm elections.

Enter Battle Born Collective, a new firm that uses legislative strategy, messaging and policy tools to help progressive organizations push their agenda through Washington.

The group highlights a dynamic of the new Biden era: Many of the most influential voices in Democratic politics are also the least experienced.

"We launched in 2017 and we've been very successfully flying by the seat of our pants since then," said Evan Weber, political director of the Sunrise Movement, who is working with the collective. "There's definitely a learning curve and it's very useful to have people who are experienced and battle tested."

The liberal energy fueled during the Trump administration led to the creation of a number of political organizations, as progressives tapped into a Democratic base that was shifting to the left. Much of their work focused on replacing moderate Democrats with younger, more diverse politicians like Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other House progressives.

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Now, these groups face the challenge of lobbying other Democrats to accept their liberal platform. Adam Jentleson and Rebecca Kirszner Katz, former aides to Harry Reid and co-founders of the collective, believe they can help.

The two liberal strategists, funded by Democratic donors, plan to offer their services free to progressive organizations and have already hired two staff members — Hannah Simon and Tré Easton to help with their work. The name of their group references the slogan of Nevada — a homage to the home state of Mr. Reid, a mentor and the last Senate majority leader to preside over a Democratic-controlled Capitol. Mr. Jentleson described their new operation as a "political intelligence" firm for progressives, offering insights about legislative maneuvering and ways to shape the policy debate.

"We're in this moment where we have power for the first time in a long time, and the question is how to use it," he said. "One of the things we bring to the table is having served in leadership roles when Democrats had power and were able to advance their agenda."

The shadow of that period looms large over the party, with many Democrats arguing that former President Barack Obama and Mr. Reid spent too much time chasing Republican support for their early legislative initiatives. Mr. Reid has privately urged President Biden and Senator Chuck Schumer, the Democratic majority leader, to adopt a more aggressive approach to passing their agenda.

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"With the country in the shape it's in, we don't need people who get along just to go along," Mr. Reid said, praising the new collective. "We need people who will try to reshape the country and the party."

Mr. Jentleson and Ms. Kirszner Katz, he said, "are outsiders with the knowledge of the insiders."

So far, progressives seem fairly satisfied with the early moves of the new administration, encouraged by Mr. Biden's cabinet picks, a spate of early executive orders and signals that Democratic leaders plan to push through a $1.9 trillion Covid-19 relief package.

But the post-pandemic future will likely presage intraparty battles. Throughout the presidential campaign, Mr. Biden staked out a more moderate path than many of his primary rivals, rejecting calls from liberals for proposals like ending the filibuster and expanding the Supreme Court. He has not entirely embraced the Green New Deal and supports more limited plans to tackle health care and college debt.

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Pushing their own party will involve a new set of political skills for many progressive activists. Younger organizations, like Justice Democrats and Sunrise, built a following by rallying the public with staunch calls of opposition to Mr. Trump and his administration. Mr. Jentleson and Ms. Kirszner Katz are urging them not to use those same tactics within the party, encouraging phone calls before blasting a fellow Democrat on Twitter, and have released a series of messaging memos laying out their collective position.

"Democrats have not used the power they have as efficiently as they could," said Ms. Kirszner Katz. "We have very little time before the midterms and we need to get as much as we can right away."

Some of the activists agree that the changing times may call for some new strategies.

"We think it's important that progressives are known not only for big ideas but delivering big results," said Waleed Shahid, a spokesman for Justice Democrats. "That's a little bit of a transition now."

Drop us a line!

We want to hear from our readers. Have a question? We'll try to answer it. Have a comment? We're all ears. Email us at onpolitics@nytimes.com and follow me on Twitter at @llerer.

One year after Trump's first impeachment, a second Senate trial.

Mr. Trump's second impeachment trial is scheduled to start in the Senate on Tuesday. Expect a lot of noise that will probably end with little more than a whimper.

Here's what we know so far about the trial:

  • Mr. Trump is not expected to appear. Lawyers for the former president rejected a request by House Democrats for him to testify under oath, calling the request a "public relations stunt" on Thursday. As some of my colleagues pointed out, Mr. Trump could put himself in legal jeopardy if he testified. He has a penchant for stating falsehoods, and it is a federal felony to do so before Congress.
  • We don't know whether there will be any witnesses. House Democrats have been calling for testimony from a number of eyewitnesses. But Mr. Schumer has expressed some reluctance to holding a Senate vote to compel any witnesses or additional evidence. Some Senate Democrats fear testimony could extend the trial for weeks and distract from their other legislative priorities. Mr. Trump's defense team has no plans to call any witnesses.
  • Mr. Biden is keeping his distance. The president has largely avoided commenting on the trial beyond saying that the Senate should proceed. "He was impeached by the House, and it has to move forward," Mr. Biden said in an interview with People this week. "Otherwise, it would come off as farcical."
  • The outcome could have a real impact on Mr. Trump's political future. At least 17 Republican senators would need to join all 50 Democrats to convict Mr. Trump by a two-thirds majority. If that happens, the body could hold a second vote to disqualify him from seeking office again.
  • But, that's not likely to happen. In the Senate last week, 45 Republicans voted for a proposal that would dismiss the trial as unconstitutional because Mr. Trump is no longer in office. (The president was impeached by the House before he left office, and most legal scholars agree that a former president can be tried by the Senate even after leaving office.) Currently, no Republican senators openly support conviction. It would take some significant revelations to change their position.

By the numbers: 11

… That's the number of House Republicans who voted to remove Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene from her committee positions.

… Seriously

This little NYC mayoral candidate went to Studio 54.

This little NYC mayoral candidate went to Bella Abzug's office.

This little NYC mayoral candidate cheered a World Series victory.

And this little NYC Mayoral candidate was … "doored by a taxi."

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